Author: Dr Steve Hickman
Humans are social creatures. We need each other for our survival, no matter how much our western culture tells us that we are self-reliant, rugged individualists. Our nervous systems are wired to draw us together in various ways. We need the support, protection, nourishment and stimulation that other people provide for us. Plus, it’s just plain fun to hang out, do things together and amuse, entertain, and challenge each other!
The holidays are a particularly social time of the year. A seemingly endless parade of, well, parades, parties, pageants, and performances. For the chronically over-scheduled, the holidays can pose a particular ordeal and increase our stress levels – as we try to meet all the holiday obligations in addition to our baseline crazy busy-ness.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, for those who prefer a quieter, more introverted and solitary lifestyle and yuletide season, the pull to participate in holiday revelry is both tempting and potentially overwhelming. While extroverts tend to gain energy from social engagement, introverts find spending time with others depleting their energy.
The question for all of us then becomes: How do I find the sweet spot without becoming a Scrooge?
There are no simple formulas for creating a more rewarding and enjoyable holiday season, but there are a few key things to practice that could preserve your sanity and your jolly spirit.
Turn Off Your Autopilot
Our amazing human brains are designed for efficiency, which means that they detect patterns in our behavior in certain situations and then build a script for how to behave in those situations so that we don’t have to think about them. This is what we call “habits” or “habits of mind” when it has to do with thoughts. When we walk into a restaurant feeling hungry, we don’t really have to think about how we go about satisfying our hunger. We just do what one does in a restaurant and we leave satisfied.
The same is true of our habits around invitations and opportunities to socialize, eat, drink and be merry. If your habit is to always accept invitations, then you are likely to accept more invitations than is really right for you. Similarly, if you’re more of a loner, you might find yourself declining more often and then feeling sad that you did. The key here is to have the presence of mind to pause when you receive an invitation. Check in with yourself and let your answer not be a habit, but a response made out of how you really feel about participating, or not.
Give the Gift of Self-Compassion
Treating ourselves like we treat our good friends is the key to self-compassion. The key to this simple (but not easy) way of being with ourselves is routinely asking ourselves “What do I need?” This is a helpful practice all the time, but it can be especially helpful during the holidays when, as was just noted, our habits and the natural frenetic momentum of the holidays can carry us away from our well-being.
Taking the time to reflect on what you need is a powerful tool to find your own personal sweet spot, which may change from day to day or even hour to hour! Maybe you have the opportunity to participate in an office party but have also been invited by some close friends for a cozy dinner at home. You enjoy both of these kinds of activities at different times, so ask yourself “What would most meet my needs right now?” and be kind to yourself by choosing the one that is most likely to make you smile. Different people have different “vibes” too so maybe when you have options of who you will spend time with, asking yourself the same question can help you choose based on your own needs, rather than needing to please others or not disappoint them.
And don’t forget to consider choosing NOT participating when you need time to regroup, recharge and reflect. Sometimes the greatest gift you can give others AND yourself, is to take a break. I like to call this “Exercising the beautiful no,” and it can be a real haven of sanity and calm that actually makes the rest of the holidays more delightful because you can show up fully, with enthusiasm, love and joy.
Honor the Full Range of Holiday Emotions
Face it, behind the festive decorations, abundant good cheer and indulgences of all kinds, the holidays can also be a time of difficult feelings and heartache. Many of us are acutely aware of loved ones we’ve lost, lingering hard feelings toward family or friends, and subject to moments of loneliness or isolation. While wallowing in these emotions is not advisable (although tempting sometimes), neither is trying to pretend they’re not present or resisting them. To quote Star Trek: resistance is futile. The more we try NOT to think about or feel things, the more we tend to be drawn into them. The common refrain is: what we resist, persists.
Instead, see if you can simply allow the feelings to come and go. Often we can feel the approaching darkness of a difficult emotion and want to run from it, but it can also be an opportunity to remind yourself of a deeply held value underlying the pain. If grief is arising, taking the time to remember the person or relationship you are grieving is a way to honor that connection. If you are uncomfortable with feeling lonely, then take a moment to appreciate the fact that you obviously deeply value human connection and you can take comfort in and celebrate your natural tendency toward being with others. It may seem paradoxical, but if we open up to difficult feelings (which arise because something important has been touched in us) we often find that they teach us something about ourselves. What we feel, we can heal.
The Gift of Awareness
In the end, we can successfully navigate the festivities and the complex range of emotions that come with human interaction, if we stay tuned in to what is in our own best interests. This isn’t about being narcissistic or self-centered, but simply ensuring that our own well-being is centered in the sweet spot amidst the variety of choices we will face during the holiday season – and beyond.
The sweetest thing of all is that you can play an active role in your own joy and satisfaction while being socially engaged and celebrating the reason for the season, whatever that may be for you.