Author: Dr. Steven Hickman
“Act like a man!” “Man up!” “Stop crying like a little girl!”
If you identify as a man, then you’ve heard these (and much worse) commands from significant people in your life over the years. There is a remarkable amount of debate going on in the world recently about what it means to be a man, how men should act, and in the meantime, men are struggling mightily and not always accessing the support (both internal and external) they may need to navigate these challenging times.
Lots of folks are throwing around the term “toxic masculinity,” which really refers to men acting in stereotypical “macho” ways that ultimately cause more harm than good, for other people and themselves. It’s worth pausing for a minute and rewinding the tape and considering all of it through fresh eyes. What does it actually mean to “act like a man” or to “be more masculine”? That makes it sound like there’s a global standard way of being a man that has been chiseled on stone tablets somewhere for all men, everywhere, forevermore.
If these ideas are not chiseled in stone, perhaps instead they are engraved on our psyche by Hollywood macho men/characters like Rambo, MacGyver, Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, and Clint Eastwood.
It’s easy to think of these “real men” in two-dimensional terms as tough, mostly emotionless guys (except when they’re angry), who rely on violence, force of will, macho misogyny and clever sayings to achieve “truth, justice and the American way.”
We all need heroes, but men these days could benefit from looking a bit closer at the most powerful talent these men/characters possess: resourcefulness. These action heroes find their way out of jams through ingenuity, creativity, using every tool they have at their disposal and carefully choosing their methods to suit the situations they face.
Looking at it this way, men have at least five powerful resources at their disposal right now that they may not recognize as such. Each of these is proven to empower people to navigate emotional and psychological challenges and enhance mental wellbeing, but these resources often sit dusty in men’s tool belts when, instead, could be supporting men in achieving their full potential.
Resource One: Mindfulness
Paying attention, in a particular way, on purpose and in the present moment, is far more effective than it might seem on the surface. So often our minds are everywhere other than in the present moment, either anticipating things in the future or longing for the past. This human capacity helps us in some ways, but when it comes to emotionally-charged situations it kicks us into autopilot and leads us into trouble. Practicing mindfulness allows us to truly bring all our available mental and emotional resources to bear on each situation as it arises.
Resource Two: Psychological Flexibility
Football fans are familiar with the defensive philosophy of “bend but don’t break” and this applies to stressful and painful situations as well. We can’t prevent hard things from happening, but we can learn to “roll with the punches” when they do. The technical term for this is ‘resilience’ and it can be cultivated through meditation, physical fitness, yoga and even psychotherapy. Think of resilience as shock absorbers on the road of life. We will always face bumps in the road, but the more resilient we are, the easier they are to navigate. The number one contributor to resilience is proper self-care, including diet, exercise, enough sleep and time away from work for play and recreation.
Resource Three: Self-Compassion
When our friends have a hard time we are the first ones to step in and meet them with encouragement, comfort and kindness. “You’ve got this, big guy” easily rolls from our lips when someone we care about faces a misfortune or a tough challenge. Strangely, when WE face similar struggles, we tend to rely on the “beatings will continue until morale improves” approach to self-motivation. Learning to treat yourself like you treat a good friend when facing struggles, failures and misfortunes is not easy, but it really protects against depression, anxiety, worry and panic.
Resource Four: Common Humanity
The US Surgeon General has proclaimed that we have an epidemic of loneliness in this country, and men in particular are susceptible to this feeling of isolation. When we struggle, it taps into deep evolutionary patterns of fear about being separate from our “herd” or “tribe” which could spell serious trouble for beings who rely on each other for safety and well-being. When we remind ourselves that every single human on the planet makes mistakes, falls short sometimes and experiences failure, we recognize that what we are feeling, actually ties us to all of humanity. The best antidote to self-isolation for men is to reach out to trusted friends, family, colleagues or other men – not necessarily (although you could do that too) to complain, whine, or cry on anybody’s shoulder, but just to commiserate together that sometimes life is hard . . . and sometimes it just sucks. Strangely, being reminded that we all have those kinds of challenges gives us the confidence that we are not alone and we’ve truly got this.
Resource Five: Humility
There are moments when even MacGyver, Rambo and Chuck Norris had to reach out to ask for assistance from others. So when you feel that you actually don’t, in all truthfulness, have an emotional or psychological challenge “handled”, there is no shame in seeking out support, guidance, coaching, counseling, treatment or whatever you wish to call it. For many years, there was a stigma attached to seeking psychological or emotional support, and you may feel strong hesitation about seeking it, but pause before giving in to that hesitation.
Seeking the help you need, when the difficulty just feels too big to handle on your own, is actually a strength and not a weakness. When the engine light comes on in your car, you take your car to the mechanic without hesitation. When your own emotional engine light comes on, why not go to the professional for that too?
We could debate the relative value of a lot of ultra-masculine role models in popular movies and TV, but at least for now, these are what we have. So let’s not overlook ALL of their strengths, especially their resourcefulness, creativity, cleverness and willingness to think outside the box when faced with challenges. With any (or all) of these 5 tools, you just might find yourself navigating the latest life challenge . . . and coming out on top against an “unbeatable” foe!